Using YOUR Core Values to Guide You

By knowing who you are and what you stand for, you come to life’s choices with the most powerful tool of all: your full self.

-Dr. Susan David

Do you know who you are and what you stand for? Most people want to say "Yes!" to that question, but many of us, if we are honest with ourselves, might admit that we aren't quite sure. We tend to rush from one thing to the next in a chronic state of survival mode. We often are guided by necessity and familiarity rather than intentional choice.

Identifying our personal core values is an important step in living a more intentional life and can lead to greater confidence and  life satisfaction.

So what are core values?

In her book Emotional Agility, Dr. Susan David defines them in this way:

• They are freely chosen and have not been imposed on you.
• They are not goals; they are ongoing rather than fixed.
• They guide you rather than constrain you. 
• They allow you to get closer to the way you want to live your life.
• They bring you freedom from social comparisons.
• They foster self-acceptance, which is crucial to mental health.
• Above all, a value is something you can use. It helps you place your feet in the right direction as you journey through life, no matter where life leads you.

So how could this small adjustment make such a big difference?

 When you connect with your real self, and what you believe to be important, the gulf between how you feel and how you behave closes up. You begin to live your life without as many regrets, and without as much second-guessing. 

 -Dr. Susan David

 Closing that gap between belief and behavior can also be referred to as living with integrity. Identity and confidence is strengthened by this mental and emotional congruence. Core values help you:

• Choose your priorities
• Set your expectations
• Navigate your relationships
• Establish healthy boundaries
• Manifest your leadership style
• Inform your decision making
• Form your mindset
• Create social identity

I've worked with many women this year on clarifying their personal core values as a central axis in strengthening their identity. I have seen firsthand how it directly influences the decision-making process. One woman, who realized that "relationships with family" was one of her core values, was empowered to claim time off work and plan a holiday trip out of state to visit extended family.

 Another woman, who realized how much she valued "inclusion," invited some immigrant workers who were helping build her son's home to join their family for lunch. There was a language barrier, but she stumbled through speaking her limited Spanish with them and came away feeling connection and joy rather than awkwardness and embarrassment.

How do you determine your core values?

Some values may stand out obviously to you; others may be harder to put your finger on. As you begin to explore what your core values are, you will want to approach it from different perspectives. Stay curious and explore with openness, observation (not judgment), and objectivity, and you will get clues by seeing what things emerge. These questions and suggestions can guide you in exploring your core values.

1. (Desire) How do you like to spend your free time? What do you do that brings you the greatest joy? What have been your most meaningful life moments? Who were you with? Where was the experience located? Why was it impactful?
2. (Aversion) Can you also identify moments of tension, anger, frustration, or dissatisfaction? Why did these experiences have such an impact on you? Mismatched values can often help us understand what's most important to us.
3. If you had one month left to live, what would you do? One week? One day?
4. We often are inspired by mentors who embody characteristics we value. What stories or people inspire you?  
5. What are you willing to sacrifice time, money, and effort for? 
6. Review a list of common core values and circle the ones that resonate the most for you.

Remember, you're not identifying aspirational values (what you want to be or do) or cultural values (what others value and you think you "should" be). You aren't even identifying generalized values (things you think are good or important). You are identifying the aspects, character traits, and priorities that are CORE or central to who YOU are. It's ok to cross things out or not circle them. It doesn't mean you don't value or admire that. It simply means it is not one of your main priorities. There is no right, wrong, or moral superiority to any of these values or attributes, so you can be totally honest with yourself and trust your intuition.

After this exploration process, you may want to consolidate your list to simplify in your mind (and on paper) what you value. You can do this by combining the words or phrases you identified above into similar groups. For example, I may have identified the words "home, traditions, belonging, and family" as being important. I might choose to group these four and label them "family" to simplify my list.

There is no magic number of core values that is best. Your list will be as unique as you. It is good to simplify enough so that you can commit your core values to memory. This will help you as you focus on aligning your life and your choices with your core values.

So how do I use my core values?

Think of your core values as the compass to help you navigate confidently through your day and week. When you have to pick between two (or more) conflicting activities or priorities, evaluate which activity best supports your core values. Then instead of feeling guilty for not being able to do both, you can celebrate that the one you chose is helping you move towards strengthening your core values. Cay described it this way:

I think for me, being aware of what my core values are just lets my soul know when I'm sitting in them. Even when I can't articulate it, I feel peace in following who I am and what I'm meant to do in my own small ways.

You can also use your core values as a motivation to do something good which you may feel nervous or anxious about. Reminding yourself that action means that you are living within your values can be just the boost of courage you need to move forward.

Being anchored to your core values can also help you be more confident and resist the gravitational pull of people-pleasing. Instead of giving in to someone else's desires or values, you can have a sure footing on being true to who you are and what is best for you. When asked what difference identifying her core values makes, Shirley said,

I think it creates a greater inner peace in me and a love of who I am and what I value. It helps to center my day on what is important to ME. It helps me make better health choices. It helps me stick to commitments, tasks and projects.

Another benefit of clarity in core values is that honoring them in ourselves can help us better hold the space and honor them in others, even though their values may be different than ours. Sharlene shared, 

My core values mean everything to me….Decisions become easier and I feel the Spirit more. I also have learned to respect and honor other people's decisions and not try to change them. We all have our agency.

Over time these small and simple choices will lead to greater purpose and confidence in your life. You will not only know who you are and what you stand for, but you will see the fruits in your life of being the person you most want to be.