The Wisdom of Deep Gratitude

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Something tingles inside of me when I hear the Serenity Prayer. It speaks of differentiating, or clearly separating, the beliefs and feelings that so easily get tangled inside of me. It wraps reassurance around me that wisdom will help me navigate the ups and downs of life.

Sometimes it takes time for that wisdom to emerge from ashes.

While in Hawaii in March 2021, I experienced some intracranial bleeding from a venous malformation in my midbrain. That event resulted in long-term challenges with the right side of my body. In the day immediately following the onset of the symptoms, a friend was praying for me and expressed that the time would come when I would be thankful for this challenge. I remember that at the time, his expression of hope and faith actually caused a swell of emotional frustration within me that settled as a subtle hardness in my heart. "That time certainly is NOT right now!" I passionately retorted within my mind.

The impact of that bleed in my brain has had significant ripple effects on my physical life every day. The impact of that event also has also had significant ripple effects in my heart, especially this past year. Growth, relationships, and perspective have all contributed to the healing and gratitude in my heart.

Initially, I don't think I had the capacity to hold the kind of gratitude I was promised I would someday feel. Perhaps that's why my response was to become more hardened and closed. I was protecting myself from something I just couldn't understand. It makes sense why I was weary and afraid and resentful about life not going as expected.

Perhaps you have found yourself in a similar place in your own heart?

Looking back I notice I used three ways of coping with this. The first two were numbing and depression. I would alternate between these two. Avoidance and distractions led to stagnation and hopelessness about my future. Neither of these approaches led to progress or healing.

The third approach to coping was activating my agency and striving to cheerfully do all things I had the power to do (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17).

The words of the Serenity Prayer became a living mantra for me.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

This brought to my life a deeper wisdom than I knew before. I call it the wisdom of deep gratitude.

This kind of gratitude is different from expressing thanks for the surface conditions when life is smooth and abundant. It is a gratitude that came in the dark moments when the light, even though a small glimmer, was just what I needed to navigate through the darkness and find safety and peace. I feel the wisdom of deep gratitude about many things, five of which I will mention here.

First, I am blessed by the wisdom of deep gratitude for sisters that stood with me and held space for me in my ups and downs. I could not have survived the past four years were it not for the listening ears, validation, encouragement, grace, hope, and tears I shared reciprocally with other women. We each need to be held in safety, and we also need to be part of something bigger than ourselves and know that we make a difference in helping others. I'm grateful for how love and authenticity bring such power and unity.

Second, I have gained the wisdom of deep gratitude for a physical body. Most days my body still feels foreign and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, this summer I began hiking, camping, and kayaking again. It has felt so good to be back on the water. My body doesn't have to be perfect to enable me to experience joy because of it. I'm grateful for the abilities I have and how my senses let me experience the world.

Tied to that, third, I feel the wisdom of deep gratitude for the beauties of nature that surround me. Research shows that the "ecotherapy" of spending 120 minutes each week in nature has mental and emotional, as well as physical health benefits. I have felt that firsthand and am so grateful for how healing has come from cardinals, rivers, wildflowers, thunderstorms, and fireflies.

Fourth, I am filled with the wisdom of deep gratitude for healthy food. It is so tempting to want to use food to numb and hide from life and body discomfort. I did that for a long time. Chocolate, caramel, and nuts were a perfect combination to get a feel-good rush. The problem was, it didn't last, and my body actually ended up feeling more crummy in the end, as is the case with all addictive patterns. In time I came to accept that the healing path actually involved nourishing my body rather than numbing it. That meant reducing some things and increasing others. I now find great joy in "eating the rainbow" of fruits and vegetables most days. I'm so grateful for the availability of healthy options that truly nourish my body and soul.

Lastly, and most importantly, I feel the wisdom of deep gratitude for a God who has held me so lovingly and patiently, even amidst some pretty good tantrums. Just as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, I have learned to trust deeply in that shielding, protective safety. I have seen and felt both obvious miracles and small assurances that witness to me that I'm not alone, and God is with each of us in the light and in the dark.

I see now that my friend was right. I am truly grateful for the wisdom of deep gratitude that has grown in my soul because of the challenges I have faced.

What have you learned or become that you wouldn't have gained without your challenges?

What lessons are you most grateful for?

Is there someone you can express gratitude to for the wisdom they have shined into your life?