23. Transformed by Trauma: Lessons from Adversity with Whitney Archibald
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[00:00:00] Well, what else is there to do but live this life with joy, you know? Even when it's hard. Whitney Archibald is a beautiful soul. Her positive attitude and gritty faith, despite the consequences of her 30-foot fall, are a powerful example to me of navigating and even embracing the transformative power of even our most difficult life challenges.
One thing I really enjoyed learning about Whitney was how music has played an integral role in her healing journey. I absolutely love how she shared that she has a special song that is her song with the Lord. You'll wanna hear about it
Welcome back to Grow in the Light. This is your host, Emily Lighten, and I'm here today with Whitney Archibald. How are you- Hello ... Whitney? I'm great. Happy to be here. I am so delighted about the opportunity I've had to get to know Whitney and her story. She and I share that we have had a life experience that changed how we experience our mortal bodies every day.
Mm-hmm. And sometimes that's a struggle. And so I am so delighted to meet a woman of faith who, amidst this, is learning h- how to walk with purpose and wholeness, even though every day may not be what you choose. It's just been delightful. So Whitney, will you introduce yourself to our listeners? Yeah. So I'm Whitney Archibald.
I am, you know, a mother, mother of five children. Now they're from 10 to 20, which is hard to believe. Um, but I am a podcaster myself. I, I was just thinking about how much I love podcasting 'cause I, I'm, like, one of those eternal students, and I just, I wanna learn a new thing every day, and I get to learn from so many people when I interview them and, um, research for the podcast episodes.
So I, I, yeah, I do two podcasts. Um, I'm a reader. I'm an outdoor enthusiast. I'm a musician. Um- And I happened to have a very large accident, which is one thing we'll t- we'll talk about, um, two and a half years ago, which also becomes part of my identity. I had a rock climbing fall. So again, with my love of the outdoors, I love adventure and, and pushing myself physically, and rock climbing is great for that.
And, um, but I made a stupid mistake. I took a great fall and, uh, have been recuperating from that for the last little bit. So we'll go into that I'm sure as we go on. Well, let's just segue right into that. Yeah. Can you tell listeners about your experience about that fall and what that was for you? Yeah. So, um, I was just taking nieces and nephews out, some who had never gone rock climbing before.
And as is my usual spiel, whenever people say, "Well, isn't that dangerous?" I'm like, "Not the way I do it," you know? Of course with- Absolutely ... with the full complement of pride. And then, um, when it came down to it, I, I set up, I even re-set up because I didn't like the, where the rope was. It wasn't, didn't look quite safe, so I, I re-set it up.
But, um, I made a very human error that I had just instructed my son not to do and went up without... I forgot some equipment. I had it all set up right and checked and double-checked with my partner, my son, and then I forgot some equipment. Um, and when I re-set up with the right equipment, um, after, you know, my brother sent it up to me, I did not do those checks again.
I, in my head I had already done that. And, um, so what happened is I, I started to lower myself down, and I hadn't lowered both ends of the rope down. I had only low- [00:04:00] lowered one end of the rope down. The biggest rookie mistake, um, that I obviously knew better, and I, I came off the rope and fell, free-fell 30 feet, uh, onto my back.
I immediately- knew what I had done and how it had happened, I had to just kind of check in with my body, like, eh, what did I just do? Like, what did this mistake just cost, basically. Um, and feeling quite a bit of shame. First of all, I heard about other people falling this way, and like, that would never happen to me.
Like, I am way too careful for that. And you know, like, so I was feeling all, all levels of shame, and that was actually the first feeling, I mean, along with physical pain, obviously. Um, so I just felt this overwhelming shame, like how could I do something so stupid? And my first words were actually, I said, "Idiot."
I could not believe it. Anyway, um, then I, I check in with my fingers and my toes. Can I move them? Am I paralyzed? Like, what has this cost? Um, I check in mostly with my brain. Like, am I thinking clearly? Can I... Is my brain okay? The pain was all in my trunk, like just blazing, intense, indescribable pain. Um, and that was...
And, and the breathing. The, the breathing was the scariest part. I couldn't breathe. So you know, I was trying to get that under control. Turns out my lungs are filled with all s- with lots of fluid, um, that didn't even get cleared away for another couple, another day and a half or so. But, um, so yeah, I did not know what the state of my body was, but as soon as I started feeling that shame, the Lord was wham, right there with me a- and telling me really as when, uh, to quote scripture, "As one man talks to another."
Like, we were having a conversation. And he's like, "You are human. Humans make mistakes. You have to let go of this. Like, let go of the shame." And I did. Like, that was the miracle of it. Like- It went away. I was no longer obsessed with that part of it. Um, I could focus on, "Okay, what does this mean for me and my future and my children and everything?
Am I gonna make it?" And again, I had a clear answer: "It's gonna take a while, but you're gonna live." I didn't know what that life was gonna look like for sure. I didn't know what abilities I was going to have. I, I figured I wasn't totally paralyzed. Um, but I ... You know, but I knew I was gonna make it. And having those two things off my plate with everything else that was going on, 'cause, you know, my sister was calling 911.
They were trying to just figure out what to ... get the kids kind of away so that they weren't seeing the gory scene of the bone sticking out of my wrist and things like that. But I could put those worries aside, and even reassure my brother and sister that I was, I was gonna be fine. And, um, and then, th- yeah, then I could just kind of like focus on what was happening around me and the paramedics or the ambulance coming.
I want to pause right here for just a minute. Yeah. 'Cause there's so many aspects to your story. And we're talking here this year at Grow in the Light about the different aspects of the soul. Body, spirit, heart and mind. And I love that you have the heart, the emotions of the shame, that that was so real to you, and these thoughts about what's, what is in store for me.
[00:08:00] But I also love how real in your narrative here your connection with the spirit aspect of your soul and your relationship with the divine, how real that was as your story unfolded. And I just want to pause there for a minute and ask you, in that moment of crunch time, like you needed that communion with the Lord.
And that relationship with the Lord, the ability to hear His voice did not start in that moment, right? Truth. Yes. What was it in your life before that enabled you to be in a position, despite the trauma that was going on and despite how your physical body was yelling at you, you were able to hear the voice of the Lord as
like you said, face to face. Like heart to heart, voice to voice, spirit to spirit in that moment of trauma. What prepared you for that? I mean, I think just a life of faith. Um, that was another, another big element of that conversation we were having is... I, and I guess that's something I left out, 'cause before when I was basically asking him if I was okay, I started that by saying, "I..."
And this is obviously very emotional, but I, I, um, I thought of that song It Is Well With My Soul, um, right at that moment, and I said, "If I'm going to die from the, these injuries, I have tried my best." And I think that's what it, all it is, is I knew my intent and He knew my intent. Because I wasn't perfect in faith, I wasn't perfect in service, I wasn't perfect in love any of those things.
None of us are. Um, but it, it was very clear, like, that it was the intent that mattered, and that He knew, He knew I was trying. More than anything I was doing or, or how close to perfection I was or wasn't more likely, um, He knew that that was my goal and that was my intent, and that, that my intentions were pure, and I knew that, and I knew that He accepted that offering, and that, that...
I just knew it, it is well with my soul. I have, I have done my best. If it is time, this is w- this is what I'm offering you, and I knew it was enough. And I... That was an amazing feeling. Um, but that was then. So I gave that offering, and then He gave back that offering, like, "No, it's not time." Like, it was only after that initial like, "Oh, wow, this could be the end.
I've done what I could. I've done what I could for my family, what I could for my, my children. I've always, you know, tried my best. Here it is." And then that's when that he gave me that great gift of just the knowledge that it wasn't the end. And yeah. W- today I taught a class about how music, um, the role of music in our personal restoration.
So the fact that that communion between you and the Lord was through that beautiful song, It Is Well With My Soul. Is that- Yeah ... that was just present or that, like, initiated in you that you extended to the Lord, or that He extended to you? Or is there a difference there? I just- Well- ... am curious about that
it's part of how my brain works, first of all. Um- [00:12:00] I always have a song in my head, and, uh, that's just part of my thinking process. There's always something going on there. Um, and so it was very natural to me that one of the first things I was aware of was music in my head, and it was that song. There were several different songs that I heard through that process, and it, so it was first that, It Is Well with My Soul, and then i, in the ambulance, oddly enough, it was, uh, The Beatles.
So it was All You Need Is Love in the- Oh ... in the ambulance. And that song, like, that's all that was going through my head. And not everybody will think of that, but music is very central to my life. And so it was a great gift to have just a way to not have to work to convey those feelings maybe. Like, it was like- Ah
I already have the words there. It's, that, that song is there, and it was, it was at the ready when I needed it. Just like they say, the Primary song, you learn the Primary songs so they're there when you need it, and that's- And I love that- ... so true ... because that's exactly what we talked about today, that music is a language of the soul.
Just as much as our spoken word is, music is that, that conveys so much of the soul. And I love how you're saying that, that it's, it's different than just our linguistic words can capture. Yeah. That the language of music captures something different. Okay, and- Well, and, and it was actually that s- just since we're talking about that song, that song was actually really instrumental in processing it later.
So that, that happened in July. By Easter, um, I was in the stake choir, um, still very much, like, recovering. Um, in fact, it was hard to even sit for the concert, you know, for that amount of time. Um, but one of the songs we were singing was that song, It Is Well With My Soul, and I had gotten somewhat, like, a little teary in practices singing that with this beautiful choir and stuff.
But when we got on stage and sang that song in that Easter program, I, we started like the first little bit of that song and It was like the floodgates opened. I had not, up to that point, I had not cried about the accident yet. Like, not a real cry. You know, like there was some pain, you know, tears from pain and things like that along the way.
But I hadn't, like, mourned it, like, and grieved and processed it, um, emotionally fully. And then for some reason I just decided that on stage in front of a whole stake of people was the time to have my em- emotional release. So I sang the first line of that song, and then I just ugly cried the rest of that whole song.
And people in the choir, some didn't know what had happened. Like, they're just, like, looking around, "Is she okay?" But I just had to, like, sit back down, um, and I just sobbed through that whole song, and it was like, I don't know, it was just this kind of full circle moment where I was just like, "This is what I was feeling.
This is, this is what I experienced," and, and even now after going through all this pain, it is well with my soul. You know, it was just like it, it meant something a little different than it had in that first moment, but it still had that sacred ... And I s- I can't obviously talk about that song or hear that song without getting very emotional, but, [00:16:00] um, you know, you have your song with, with the person you married or dated or whatever.
That's my special song with the Lord. So that's our song. I love that. And what a sacred experience, 'cause this is nine months post-accident. Yeah. It- Right ... that you have been intensely- She's, yeah ... experiencing and surviving and adjusting and all of that. But in that moment, to have a song, and the, the way I talk about it, the language I wrap around it is that music can open the door to the soul through the heart, through these emotions.
And it's almost like that song opened the floodgates of- Yeah. Yeah ... the things that were stored in your heart that needed to be processed, needed to be experienced, needed to be released in that- Yeah ... processing of that experience for you. Yeah. I sing that song with my whole soul when I sing it. Oh. A- and, and sometimes don't get all the way through it, but, you know.
That's beautiful and what it represents, and it's, eh, that, that song can be a link between you and heaven. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Between what's divine. It's that- Absolutely is, yeah ... assurance. That's beautiful. Okay, so to go back to our conversation, let's talk about the impact it had physically on your body. Can you tell us more about that?
Yeah, so, um, miraculously, and I don't say that lightly, um, I fell in, like, a Whitney-shaped hole I refer to it because there were rocks all around my head, um, uh, to my side. But I, I fell in the only place that I probably could have fallen and survived, honestly. Um- My pelvis must have hit first, so I broke
That cracked in three and kind of shifted. And then I had three burst fractures of th- three different vertebrae. It also, um, broke my sternum and some ribs, which I don't think ... I didn't ever feel those 'cause there was so much other stuff going on. I had a compound fracture in my wrist, which is what my siblings are most concerned about, 'cause that was the most gory looking.
Um, but I, again, I couldn't even feel that. They kept asking me how my wrist was, and I was like, "What are you talking about?" Like, I'm on fire right here. Like, that's all I could feel. But I, but I somehow stayed conscious. Um, anyway, so then bunch of surgeries. The ne- the following three days I had a surgery a day to fix my pelvis, my spine, and my wrist.
Then I was in the hospital for a month, um, from the ICU to the ... Um, I just kept going up floors as I recovered until I was just at the rehab floor t- on the top floor. And then I was in a ... I recovered at my parents' house for the next month and a half, two months. I was gone a total of three months from my family, because this happened while visiting Utah.
Um, so my parents lived there. They, they took care of me. Um, I finally got to reunite with my kids. Uh, I mean, they visited me of course, but like, live in the same house with them again, um, three months later, and I was in a wheelchair at that point. Um, quickly regained the ability to walk after I got home.
Um, and then I've just been kind of recovering from those injuries ever since. Oh, that's a huge impact on- Yeah ... the body and on soul, right? What happens in our body affects our soul. So how did this change how ... Your identity, how you saw yourself and maybe what the future would look like for you in this new body?
Yeah. I [00:20:00] think the, the first thing was that I didn't realize how- tied up my identity was to my capabilities and, and to just being competent. Co- competency probably is, is the right word. Like, that was, like, who I was. If you want something done, you ask me. You know? Like, or and I'm, like, running this house, I'm running the...
I'm the go-to for the kids. Um, and then suddenly that's completely whisked away. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't do o- one thing for myself, or even feed myself at first. Um, had to have people help me brush my teeth and, you know, all those things. And so all of a sudden I'm completely incompetent, and I didn't realize how much my self-worth was based on that competency.
Um- Yeah ... and, like, totally, totally having to rely on people for everything and not even knowing exactly what's going on with my kids. And while they were still in Utah my sisters and my parents, you know, kept them entertained and happy and wonderful. And then my, once they got back to my house, my in-laws kind of ran the show while my husband kept working and, and he ran the show once he got home and, which we'd always, you know, done together.
And so, so at first I was just, like, wanted to help them. You know? Like, wanted to resume some of my original activities, but took a long time, little by little, to add some of those things back in, and I'm definitely still not up to where, where I was before. So, so that, that was a big thing. A, a big identity piece that...
You know, I knew that things like physical activity would be hard, 'cause that's always been part of my identity too, but I didn't realize how hard that, um, that just capability and competency would hit. And just, like, the, the capacity also. You know? Yeah. Like- Definitely ... like, which I'm definitely still not at the capa- I mean, I, I won't be.
That's, that's okay. And I've, I had to, like- Come to terms with that, that nothing's gonna be like it was before, for good and for bad, you know? Yeah. So there are some things that came back slowly over time. A lot, yeah. Yeah, quite a bit. Like, I, you know, like shortly after coming home I was able to, to start slowly walking, and the
Two years later, my goal was to walk the Bolder Boulder. That's a, a race in Colorado here, and, um, it's about six miles. So I, I barely finished before they, the sweepers came at the end and said, "You have to stop," but I did it, you know? So, so regaining my physical strength, um, capabilities. At this point, I'm, I, I just tell people I'm at the level of being able to do water aerobics with, um, women about 10 to, 15 to 20 years older than me-
kind of level. Like, I can- I totally connect with that. It changes your experience in your physical body. Yeah. And I can walk to church, and I can, I can walk ... I'm not always walking six miles like that, but, but I, you know, I can ... I'm, I'm not running, but I'm walking, and I'm, I'm, uh- You know, like rehabbing basically, just.
But I can do most things that I could do before, just slowly and with resting in between. So if we look at it this way, there are some things that you have gained back. Yeah. Some things you're still in the process of gaining back. But there is also a category of things you will never be able to do [00:24:00] again.
You talked with me before about the flute. Yeah. Yeah, and it's funny 'cause I never really liked playing the flute that much. I was never very good at it, and I always got super nervous to play it. But when I like... At first my hand was like a Barbie hand, you know, I couldn't move it at all, um, uh, with that broken wrist on my, uh, left hand luckily.
I'm right-handed. Um, so at first I was just hoping that I'd get the piano back, and I remember when my physical therapist wheeled me out to the, a little keyboard they had on the physical therapy floor, and we sat down. This is another emotional moment, but we sat down and they just had some little pop, simplified pop songbook, and we just opened it up and started.
I like started to play just with my right hand, and then, then eventually I could play like one note with my Barbie hand on the bass line. And I felt so, like, me, you know? Talking about identity. Like, oh, this is a piece of me that I wanted. I actually can play anything that I could play before, um, on the piano.
One day I was like, "Oh, I wonder if I will, if I can still play the flute." And just the way that my mobility is limited in that wrist, it just doesn't bend like it did before. I have some mobility, but not full, and I, I just can't get in the position to play the flute. But it was like, oh, like, that's never coming back.
I will never be able to reach that, and I always wanted to like... I always thought it would be cool to learn to play the cello, and I'm like, the cello is not in my future with the way my hand bends or does not bend. And that just like, it hit me. It was like- 'Cause e- up to that point it's like just gaining, just getting things back, and so that's a cool place to be.
Like, everything is ahead of you. Progress. Like, yeah. Sure. Progress. Yeah. And I, yeah, I keep like, "Yeah, I'll be able to do that. I'll be able to do that." And then it was kind of like a wake-up call, like you're not gonna get everything back. Well- You know? Yeah. So it's, it introduced the concept of there's- Yeah
grief. Yeah. There's loss in this of things- Yeah ... that never will be. Yeah. And I, I've had that experience in my own life because of my situation. I can't play the piano because I can't use my r- my right side, my right hand anymore. There's so many things, braiding my daughter's hair, right? I remember that was a really big deal.
And even now as a grandma, being able to change the diaper of my grandkids is something that I can't do, that I always imagined in my head, "This is something that will be a part of my future. I'll be this involved grandma." And to- Yeah ... to realize that's something I can't do, there, there's a level of grief and mourning that is part of the acceptance of this as a whole, that sometimes it's hard to- Totally
to envision your identity that way with the can'ts as well as the I can again, to- Yeah ... to realize that's one big whole. For sure. And just, like, even, you know, I'm, I'm the Young Women's president and- Before I was also a young women leader before the accident, and I love to, like, play kickball with them. I love to, like, engage in all the things, and I'm still not to the point where I can, like, play sports with them or do all the things, and I have to sit back and I'm like, I pro- I'm not a person who wa- like, sits on the sidelines.
That's not how I'm used to being. And that, that idea of the, the grand parenting, like, I always thought I'd be like my mom, like very, like, involved and physical with the kids and, and [00:28:00] down there playing with them. And my grand parenting will look different than hers and than I expected it to be. Um, but you also learn along the way that those...
While those are a part of your identity, they're not the essential identity, you know? Like- Yeah ... like, and you can still- It makes you make that, that list in your own mind of, "I may not be this, but I am this," and I'm gonna- And it's usually more important ... that was on my list. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us about the list you made of things I can do.
So there's a lot of things I couldn't do at first that, like, I couldn't drive my kids to school. So that was one of the first things on the list. I just decided that I needed to focus on all the progress, focus on all the things. As I, as I added things to that list, like make an actual physical list and think about all the things that I could do.
So the first time, like, I drove my kids to school, I was over the moon. I actually cried as I left the parking lot because it's like, "I can do this now. I get to do this, th- this thing that we all complain about, w- driving carpool." I was like, "I get to do carpool. This is amazing." And so I just started to, like, really focus on what I, what I could do.
There was still in the back of my mind a list of the things that I wanted to be able to do, but I didn't write that one down 'cause I wanted to focus on- Not the future, but like what I, what I could do. And, and so yeah, it was an exciting day when I could put the piano back on. That, that happened at my parents' house.
I c- I could... I was just playing duets with my mom and dad. Like I c- I would play the right hand while they played the left hand, and I was like, "At least I can play the right hand." I didn't know if I'd ever get the left hand back, but at least I could play the right hand, and that was super fun. And so, so yeah, that...
Maybe that's when I started it, even before I got home, is just like making that list of, isn't it? And, and then all those things on that list seems like miracles, 'cause I hadn't been able to do them for so long, things that I had always taken for granted, you know? And so when you start looking at the miracles of what you can do, it does take away the sting of the things you can't, because like this is incredible.
And like when I learned to crochet, I was like that was partly rehab for my wrist, just getting some motion. Then it was like, then I turned out to love it, and I was like, "Look at this gift that I was given that I probably wouldn't have gotten back into, gotten into if I hadn't had this accident." So even now, like there's things that I...
Like I would love to go skiing with my kids this weekend. Um, I'm not there yet, but I have so much that I can do and that, that I didn't know if I'd be able to do, um, that it takes away the sting when, you know... I, I still, still I'd love to go, you know? And I hope th- I hope that I will be able to. But there's also a ceiling that's different than the ceiling used to be.
And, and it does take some getting used to, but As cheesy as it sounds, it does help to focus on what you can do and not what you can't, 'cause s- I can work toward things, but there are some things that I won't be able to do. Yeah. But I love what a mentor you are in that, of being able to parent yourself.
We talk about, you know, different aspects of the soul, and this is, this is growth mindset perspective of you disciplining the mind, saying, "We're not gonna go there. We're not gonna focus on what the reality of the ceiling is. We're gonna focus on what's in this beautiful room," right? "There's so much that I have to be grateful for."
And I love how you used the word yet. "I can't do that yet." And just to hold that open instead of [00:32:00] going to that brain space of, of la- lament and grief, and to just hold it gently with who knows what the future holds, but we'll just keep working in the present, in the today. There's been hard things, but sometimes, like, being close to mortality gives you, like, everything is a bonus, you know?
I love how when you were talking about being able to drive the carpool again, you used the word get to. I get to instead of I have to. So often in life we feel burdened by some of these things. "Oh, I have to do this. I have to take the kids to school. I have to buy the groceries. I have to do these things."
And, and yet it flips that a little bit in gratitude of, "I get to drive carpool. I get to go to the grocery store. I get to make dinner." Yeah. Where you couldn't do that for so long. Yeah. And I- It's beautiful ... I mean, I'm not gonna say I'm perfect at this. Like, there are, there are times that I'll be like, "Oh, really?
Okay." You know? Like, I'm not- Yeah, totally ... like, I'm not like Pollyanna all the time. And I hurt a lot. Like, by the end of the day, I'm crawling into bed and- Okay, let's talk about that. Let's talk about, you and I both have our little sanctuary times. You talked about your bathtub, this place where you don't hurt, the desire to just sometimes retreat and hide there.
What can you tell me about that, about coping with the reality? Yeah. And oddly, I don't even do it that much. But I do kn- like, it is nice to know that on those really painful days, that there is something I can do that is not just taking drugs which I, like, I, I take ibuprofen once in a while. But, um, there's something I can do that will make me feel, like, completely pain-free for a moment.
And that, and so that's why I'm doing water aerobics too. But you know, like, just get the weight off your body. And so- I just have that fallback. Just last week I was just having a rough week pain-wise, 'cause I was getting back into my rehab, getting back to water aerobics. Um, and my body was protesting hard, and I was just like, "Okay, I know I have that one place where I can just breathe and feel what it feels like to be pain-free."
And that when you're just gritting your teeth and getting through it all the time, that is such a respite, and I'm so glad you have that too, like, a place where you can feel like, feel like your old self again. Like, you can pretend almost. Like- Yeah ... "Oh, yeah. This is- But- ... what it feels like to be me without pain."
That, that is the morning time for me. When I wake up, my body's reset kind of disconnected from a physical body, and my nerves haven't registered being present in a physical body yet. And so it doesn't hurt. There's no neurological pain. And so before I move to lay just still and be consciously awake, but to have not moved my body, it's that place of, of peace and stillness and of like, "Oh, this is what it feels like to not hurt."
Yeah. And originally when I discovered this place, I was still homeschooling my son, and so he would come in and I would say, "I am not moving, and I just need to stay here." And he's like, "Mom, it's like in Minecraft when you eat the golden apple- ... and it, like, restores all your health and all your things.
There's something about this magic golden apple, that it just makes you feel whole again in this game." And so, so that became our little lingo of like, "Oh, I was able to eat a golden apple last night, so I'm just gonna stay." Oh, that's so cute. Like, "Can you bring your work up here and let's do it together?"
And it just helped me, um, recognize and appreciate that place of someday again, right? You and I have a lot- Yeah ... to look forward [00:36:00] to with the resurrection. Of this is the body, I'll begin again, and to appreciate that and have that as kind of a respite. Yeah. It's important. Okay, you also talk about, um, weeks of denial.
To have a week of denial. Tell me about that, 'cause I love that concept. Well, part of the, part of the struggle of having a very physical trial- Mm-hmm ... is that you c- it's hard to escape. Like, we just talked about one way to escape it, but that, I mean, I'm not gonna live in the bath whatever. And- The only other time I've felt like this is during pregnancy, is when you are just so keyed into every- your body.
Like, interoception is the name for it. Like, when you're just, you just know, you're paying attention to all the sensations. Um, and it's like a full-time job just monitoring what you need, what will, what will make you better, and it's work. It's hard work to... And it's, it's, it... Part of what I don't like about it is it's so necessarily self-centered, is like you're just, like, focused on...
And you have to to get better sometimes, but- Yeah, focusing on managing all the input- Yeah ... and the output, and the, like how to deal with- Yeah. And should I be pushing harder or should I be hanging back? Is this a nerve pain? Is this a muscle pain? Is it... You know, just all that analyzing, and it's exhausting.
Um, and so, yeah, like last fall I just told my husband, I was just like, "I just need a week off of this job of taking care of my body." Yeah. "So I'm just gonna have a week of denial where I just do whatever I want, whether it hurts or not." Like, the, the pain's still there, so that's a reminder, but I'm not gonna figure out what the pain is or where it's coming from.
And so that, that was like my weird mini vacation that often was more painful than the weeks I was not paying attention to it. So it wasn't a vacation from the pain, but it was like a, just a mental vacation from all that analysis of- Having to manage all of it. Yeah. 'Cause when, you know, I'm two and a half years out.
So like managing that for so long, it's, it's exhausting, and it's part of the work that I don't think it's talked about enough. I don't know. That might not be the best, but it's just one way I, I just kinda coped with it, and I still do it once in a while. I'm just like, "Okay, I'm just gonna go, just gonna live this week and not, not worry about what's going on."
And I love sometimes we use avoidance and denial as, as a coping mechanism, right? But I love how you're intentionally- Yeah. Yeah ... using it as a resource, right? Yeah. It's not unhealthy coping. It's like, just for this period of time, I need, I need to just pretend I'm normal again, or that this can be more important than just surviving my pain.
Right? Yeah. And then I just can pay for it the next week. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Um, I, one, one thing that came up in our first discussion together was your comments of, "I long to have the energy to be fun again, to be me." And I really, really resonated with that. Sometimes when we've had these, um, life experiences that weigh on our lives, it's hard to feel like ourselves and to feel fun again when we're managing, um, pain or inability- Mm-hmm
or coping with, with certain things that are our reality on the inside, but the people on the outside don't see or understand. So tell me about that desire, wanting to be fun again. Yeah, and I, I, [00:40:00] I didn't articulate it until I had a really good week where I did have energy, especially in the morning, 'cause I've always been a morning person.
I, I guess a- again, an identity thing. And the... And now, like, I wake up with pain. It doesn't go away for me when I have rested all night. Like, I wake up with pain, so it's hard to get out of bed. It's almost, like, worse in the morning getting out of bed and then at night getting into bed. So especially the way I would wake up my kids, like, it just...
I would have to pull myself out and wake them up. And had this great week, um, and I, like, felt energy when I woke up, and I, like, found myself, like, singing a silly wake-up song to my 10-year-old. And I was like, "Oh, yeah, I used to be really obnoxious and funny in the mornings." And it was, like, kind of a joke with my kids.
They're like, "Oh, there's mom again, like, singing a song," you know? Like- And I'd make up ridiculous lyrics that rhymed and just stupid songs, and I caught myself doing that, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, I used to do that." Like, I used to- That humor, that lightheartedness. Yeah. Like- Playfulness ... right. I, I used to do that.
And, and it was just like that weird simultaneous thing of like, "Oh, I'm so happy about that. I feel like I can do this again," and also, "Oh, I have not been like... I have not been that mom for, like, two years." Yeah. Um- It's been heavy. Yeah. And, and especially, like, you know, just, like, having fun with the kids when they get home from school and, and, uh- I don't
You know, just any of those playful moments, cleaning the kitchen or whatever, just- Yeah ... just with the, with the kids. It's hard to do that when you're just sapped. So yeah, so I, again, I really treasure those moments when I do have the energy to do that. Um, but I also feel sad that, like especially my 10-year-old, like- Doesn't remember mom
is growing up with a little bit ... Yeah, a little bit of a dif- Yeah, I feel that ... or a lot different mom. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's, it is hard to come to terms to... with that. Yeah. I have that written on my, on my window right here. Oh. It says, "I give myself permission to play." And that was part of this processing and this coping.
But just 'cause it's on the, the window and I r- look at it and think about it, I'm still in a process of defining what that looks like in, in the new me, in the new body- Mm-hmm ... that I live in. And I just had a realization yesterday. I used to love to do art and creative things, right? In stamping and in scrapbooking and in, in painting and in doing all of those things that because I lost my right side function, I was right-handed, there are a lot of those skills that you can't do as well one-handed.
Yeah. And that it's awkward to learn. I had to learn to write again with my left hand. So many things to learn again left-handed, and I just was, was journaling about that this week of I just need to find the medium that I can still express myself with artistically, but that works for the new me. Mm-hmm.
And, and, and suddenly when I realized that, it was like, that's a beautiful fun adventure. I like need to walk the aisles of Hobby Lobby and do... I can't do painting as well, but maybe I could do pastels again, or maybe I could do this again, or may- ... Like, just to find what the match is because the need and the longing to play and have creativity as an output in my life is still present, so.
And maybe you, maybe you allow yourself to be more abstract because you don't have as much control, and it'll loosen up a new type of art or a type of- Oh. [00:44:00] Yeah. Exactly. W- that, that was part of that list, like it, it was partly like things I can do again, but like- Adding a few new things was important too.
Like your crochet. Like, like crocheting, yeah. Um, so that it wasn't just like all about recovering what I lost. It was about like, well now I have a lot of time that I'm resting. And I read more, and that's something I've always loved to do. But, but having something entirely new that, that came from this hard thing was very life-giving.
It's just something ... It's nice when a trial or pain can, can bring something totally new too. Like, like we don't have to limit ourselves to just be like regaining- Imagine ... yeah, yeah. I love the word transformed because it's like across this ex- experience, how am I being formed differently than I would have before?
And so I think that, that this experience has transformed me. And I know you used the phrase, um, your spiritual gifts portfolio or your life portfolio. And I love that. What things have come into your life as gifts because of this transformation that this trauma, this experience brought into your life?
Well, there's cer- certainly the things that you would expect, like, um, more patience in suffering, to quote the song again. Uh-huh. Um, y- you know, more meekness in trials. Like some of those. Uh, the ability to be served instead of being the one to serve. You talked about that- Yeah ... competency value of mine.
Like, to be able to like, "Yes, actually that would be great if you would, could do that for me." Or receive it. Yeah. The re- Receive some of it instead of just being the giver of it. Yes. Yes. So a lot of that. The increased gratitude has definitely added to my portfolio. Like I have always been a Pollyanna, but um, even more so now.
Like, isn't that amazing? Or just seeing the beauty and just being grateful for the little things in life. Good. But the biggest one really is just like an increased capacity to love, and I, you know, experienced that. That was just one part of that conversation I had with the Lord. He just told me like, "This is the pure love of Christ," when the paramedics were taking care of me and I could just see how concerned they were.
Um- That's such a powerful- Yeah ... part of your transformation and your story that I just love and resonate so deeply with. And we're gonna do a specific podcast episode just on that, the power of transformative love. I'm excited to delve deeper into that aspect of your story. Are there oth- are there other aspects or anything else you wanna share?
O- oh, reading the scriptures after my accident, like, oh, that's gonna make me emotional again. It was like a whole new ballgame. Like, oh my gosh, I understood things at such a different level, and I
Yeah, it was, like, magical. Like, have I ever read these before? And I've read scriptures a lot, but I... It was like I'd always... I had caught glimpses of the idea of feasting on the word before, but I, based on how I, how I read now, like, I had no idea. I was just voracious. I was feasting on the w- word. I could not...
I, um... We were studying the Book of Mormon at the time, and I was just like, "I can't get enough of this," you know? And I just... It meant so mu- It, it had so much more [00:48:00] depth and meaning to me. And so that was huge, and that has also stuck around. Um, those are the big ones that come to mind, but I'm sure there are many others, too.
I- Beautiful. Yeah. It's a testament of, of the gifts come, compensatory blessings come- For sure ... when we face adversity and trauma, that that is part of what transforms us. And what remains, even amidst things that, that we lose. Yeah, enough that I wouldn't trade. Like, I wouldn't trade to go back to my, who I was even right before the accident.
I am very happy with who I've become because of the accident, even with the body I have. Like, I'll take it. I'm grateful for it. I don't like the pain. I don't like it, but I really feel like my testimony went from a belief to a knowledge, and that's priceless. That's amazing. That's beautiful.
Transformative, one might say. Transformative, yes. So if you were to say, what is the message you want listeners to take away from, from your story, your witness?
Um, I just think all you need is love. I mean, like, going back to that Beatles song really, uh, and that I know we're talking about that later, but, but like The Lord loves, loves us and
My priorities became so clear during and after the accident that
It really is just about the relationships and about loving other people and letting them love you. And, and all the other stuff is hard, like things you have to give up and whatever your trial is, like, trials are hard, and everybody has their own hard. Um, but They also are clarifying and, and can, y- you know, dri- help you understand that that really is true.
Like, it really is all about loving the Lord, loving each other. Our relationships are what matter far more than any of the, the physical stuff, even pain. So... That's beautiful, Renee. Thank you for sharing your story, and just so openly. It's beautiful. Thank you for joining us today. Yeah. Well, it's been fun.
I'm glad to know you.
I was so enriched by this conversation with Whitney and found renewed strength in facing my own challenges with faith. As Whitney said, we all have our own hard, and we get to choose to find the joy and feel and share the love with what each day brings. I encourage you to share the light and love of Whitney's story and this episode with someone you care about, and join us for our next episode, which is a second conversation with Whitney.
She's going to share more about the Beatles song All You Need Is Love and how her traumatic fall triggered a transformation of love in her life. I'm glad you could join us today as we work together to make the world a little bit brighter, one ray of light at a time
